OkPervert, I mean, OkCupid

If you don’t want to get grossed out and mortified, DON’T READ THIS POST.  I’ll post another one shortly to bury this one.  I’m torn between wanting to share my REAL experiences with online dating and not wanting to traumatize or jade my fellow bloggers and readers.  So, if you have a weak stomach, stop reading now!

I could write a whole post (or more) on screen names.  Some of them are goofy.  Some are dumb.  Some are funny.  Some…leave me at a loss for words.

I assume at this point, you have donned some protective gear.  Maybe not a hazmat suit, but some kind of psychological protection…some kind of mental preparation.  If not, don’t say I didn’t warn you.  Several times.

I believe I may have been contacted by one of the creepiest men on the planet.  His screen name is bizarre.  And I’ve seen lots of screen names at this point in the game.  It contains two words that are not normally found in dating circles.  One is a bag.  And the other is a word that starts with an “s.”  It’s what Africans were kept as when they were kidnapped and stolen from Africa and brought to North America and rhymes with brave.

He IMed me and I ignored him.  I looked at his profile.  Or maybe I looked at his profile out of perverse curiosity and then he IMed me.  Whatever.  He’s one of those guys who is ALWAYS online.  He has an open invitation to come chat with him on webcam.  He indicates he has a “unique personality with a twist.”

He likes “ladies” (always a dead give away a guy is old enough to be your father) in a dress or a skirt and sexy heels with nice legs and nicely pedicured toes.  He makes plenty of references to beer, which is always a good sign.  He boasts that he’s “kind of different than what you might be used to in a guy!”

About YOU: “You love wearing heels and always keep your feet nicely pedicured and your toenails freshly painted…this is a MUST!  You enjoy shoe shopping and don’t like to go alone…want some company?  You want to make me your &itch.”

The icing on the cake (and the grand finale of the story) happend when I read an email he sent me and his picture looked like this:

The quality is pretty bad, but he’s naked with a bag over his head.  I am going to need intense psychotherapy after experimenting with “free” online dating sites.

(Depends on How You Define ((Free)) Dating Websites)

I’ve been on three free dating web sites for about 4 days now.  I’m considering the possibility of cancelling them all.  I’m not going to make any rash decisions, but that’s where I’m at.

So far, I’ve invested most of my time to plentyoffish.com, although that wasn’t a conscious decision.  I signed up for three “free” websites on the same evening, but got the most action from plentyoffish.  It’s turned out to be quite a meat market. 

As I’ve written in my last couple of posts, I’ve spent several hours IMing people.  Unless you are looking for a booty call or wanting to chat with a stranger endlessly, I do not recommend using IM on plentyoffish.  These are people who don’t take the time to compose an email to you and have no intention of staying in contact with you beyond a random IM conversation and/or booty call.

If you’re looking to hook up, I HIGHLY recommend it.  Just use a condom. 

One of the IMs that popped up yesterday said “I have a [ding dong] and  you have a mouth.  Let them meet.”  Eeewww.  These web sites may be “free” in terms of not requiring a credit card payment, but I am paying via daily assaults to my mental health.  I don’t need to be exposed to this kind of harassment.

OKcupid.com got off to a really slow start, but them someone (I guess a customer service person?) emailed me and told me I had to start answering questions in order to show up in searches.  Apparently you answer a series of questions from time to time and this helps with the matching.  You answer the question and specify how you would like the other person to answer them, then indicate how important their answer is to you.  You can also skip questions, which is cool.