OkPervert, I mean, OkCupid

October 4, 2008

If you don’t want to get grossed out and mortified, DON’T READ THIS POST.  I’ll post another one shortly to bury this one.  I’m torn between wanting to share my REAL experiences with online dating and not wanting to traumatize or jade my fellow bloggers and readers.  So, if you have a weak stomach, stop reading now!

I could write a whole post (or more) on screen names.  Some of them are goofy.  Some are dumb.  Some are funny.  Some…leave me at a loss for words.

I assume at this point, you have donned some protective gear.  Maybe not a hazmat suit, but some kind of psychological protection…some kind of mental preparation.  If not, don’t say I didn’t warn you.  Several times.

I believe I may have been contacted by one of the creepiest men on the planet.  His screen name is bizarre.  And I’ve seen lots of screen names at this point in the game.  It contains two words that are not normally found in dating circles.  One is a bag.  And the other is a word that starts with an “s.”  It’s what Africans were kept as when they were kidnapped and stolen from Africa and brought to North America and rhymes with brave.

He IMed me and I ignored him.  I looked at his profile.  Or maybe I looked at his profile out of perverse curiosity and then he IMed me.  Whatever.  He’s one of those guys who is ALWAYS online.  He has an open invitation to come chat with him on webcam.  He indicates he has a “unique personality with a twist.”

He likes “ladies” (always a dead give away a guy is old enough to be your father) in a dress or a skirt and sexy heels with nice legs and nicely pedicured toes.  He makes plenty of references to beer, which is always a good sign.  He boasts that he’s “kind of different than what you might be used to in a guy!”

About YOU: “You love wearing heels and always keep your feet nicely pedicured and your toenails freshly painted…this is a MUST!  You enjoy shoe shopping and don’t like to go alone…want some company?  You want to make me your &itch.”

The icing on the cake (and the grand finale of the story) happend when I read an email he sent me and his picture looked like this:

The quality is pretty bad, but he’s naked with a bag over his head.  I am going to need intense psychotherapy after experimenting with “free” online dating sites.

Online Dating and Full Body Pictures

October 3, 2008

Another guy emailed me.  I wouldn’t have answered his ad, but he put a picture of himself up for long enough for me to look at it, then took it back down.  His name is Grant.  Well, actually it’s not.  Remember, I choose to protect the innocent.  Speaking of innocence and guilt, he is a police officer.  And he’s 6’4″.  I imagined a meathead, but from his picture, he seems like a nice fellow.  There’s something about pictures that (sometimes) captures the essence of people.

We emailed back and forth a couple of times.  He gave me his phone number.  I called a day or two later and left a message.  He called me back the next day.  He was a little softspoken on the phone (not a domineering voice).  I had been having a pretty bad day, but got off the phone in a great mood.  He seems like one of the few “normals” on the site.

We each exchanged another picture.  He texted me last night asking if I had any “full body pics.”  I said “no.”  He said “come on.”  I said “you’re starting to sound like the jerks I’ve been dealing with.”  He said “ok.”  He asked if I was online.  I said “no, I’m looking for my dog.”

One of my dogs had escaped “the compound.”  There’s a narrow space in the corner of the front yard where the fences come together.  He figured out he can squeeze through it if he slithers through it like a snake, rotating his shoulders and hips back and forth.  He’s a momma’s boy, so he’s never gone for long.  Once he’s chased enough rabbits, he comes running home with his head down, waiting for me to bop him on the head.

Anyway, back to the full body picthing.  I’ve spent a total of more than a year doing online dating.  No one has EVER asked me for a full body pic.  I don’t do “full body pics.”  I think it’s sleazy when people use them in dating profiles.  It’s like, Hi, I’m Cindy, look at me, I’m sticking my boobs out for you.  I have more respect for myself.

If you don’t like to date fat people, guess what?  Neither do I.  I can tell by looking at a guys picture (usually) if he is fat or not.  It’s not even about vanity for me, it’s about physical health.  I don’t want to date someone who is killing themselves with Big Macs.

I can’t decide if this is just an innocent request or a red flag.  On the one hand it’s arguably not a big deal, but I don’t like feeling like I’m a piece of meat.  This is an issue of principle for me.  I have a great body.  I’m not trying to hide anything.  I just find the request invasive.

Dating…on My Planet

September 30, 2008

Is it too much to ask to date someone on this planet?  Heck, maybe even someone on the same continent?  Imagine dating someone on the same side of the Mississippi River.

I mentioned 2 red flags in my last post and forgot to describe the second one, which is distance.  The guy in question (for whom the red flags were raised) lives 120 miles away from me.  What’s up with that? 

Is it too much to ask that my dating prospects live close enough where we could see each other in person…on a regular basis?  By regular, I mean a few times a week.  Let’s say you live 20 miles from me and we see each other three times a week.  That is 120 miles a week and at least $50 in gas and wear and tear on your car.  Not to mention the whole problem with the environment. 

I don’t ride my bike to work at least 4 days (and 64 miles) each week to save on gas and parking so that I can spend my free time wasting my time, money, and health driving from point A to point B and back so I can spend time with a guy.  The above scenario would entail spending $200 per month and at least 12 hours (likely more, depending on traffic) per week sitting on my (increasingly) fat ass in a car.  I wouldn’t even do that for my best friend!

The guy, let’s give him a unique name – the Driver, responded by saying he likes to drive.  Okay, so you are willing to waste time, money, and gas (and be environmentally irresponsible) so you can date a woman who lives a good two hours away?  My best guess is that he’s already played every available woman in his own city and/or wants me a safe distance from his devoted wife and children (which, of course, he will never mention.  He’ll tell me he’s single).  Whatever.

So, back to My Planet. 

I prefer to date people who live within 5 to 10 miles of me.  I pay through the nose ($1,800/month) to rent a house just outside of a major metropolitan area.  When my parents came to visit, they referred to my neighborhood as “working class.”  You should have seen the looks on their faces (shock, horror, disbelief) when I told them that the houses in my neighborhood sell for $400K and up. 

I am not paying $1,800 per month (not including utilities) to live in a small, half-ass-renovated home built just after World War II.  I’m paying to live in proximity to a major metropolitan area and all it has to offer.  Why would I choose an (expensive) “urban” lifestyle?  Instead of spending money on gas, a new car, and private school (not to mention time spent commuting), I choose to invest a huge portion of my salary into rent while I enjoy the conveniences of living in an urban area.  Dating someone who lives even 30 miles away defeats the purpose of the lifestyle I have chosen for myself.

I need to adjust my profile to tell people not to bother contacting me if they live 120 miles away, or in Texas, Canada, or Russia (yes, someone just emailed me from Russia).  What are people thinking?!!