I’m Almost Better Now

September 25, 2008

This week is my third week back to normal.  Unfortunately, dating tends to throw me off my routine.  I’m almost back, but not quite back to 100% yet. 

I’ve learned how to objectively measure my well-being over the years.  It’s like a personal depression thermometer.  In addition to counting how many days I rode my bike to work, I think about how many showers I have taken (seriously!), how many days I have worn decent clothes (something beyond a “nice” tshirt, like a knit or something that requires ironing), how many days I have worn makeup, how many hours I have watched tv, and how many hours I have slept.

On a good week, I ride my bike to work 4 or 5 days, take about 7 showers, wear decent clothes once or twice, and wear (very little, but its there) makeup at least 5 days, sleep 8 hours a night, and watch little tv. 

My bike stats are good for the last three weeks, but the rest aren’t quite up to par.  My sleep is okay and I haven’t watched tv in weeks, but I’ve been feeling more stressed and tired than usual.  I’ve come to work unshowered 2 or 3 times in the last two weeks and haven’t worn an ounce of makeup in the recent past…until today, that is.  I’m starting to feel better, now that I am slowly reversing some of my medication changes. 

The lexapro doesn’t seem to work for me.  I just have to count the number of times I’ve cared enough to take a shower, put on decent clothes, and a little bit of makeup on my face before I come to work over the last few weeks to see that I’m starting to slide downhill.  The extended release adderal causes intense anxiety, but I took it for 4 or 5 days in a row because I was feeling too lethargic to make it to the pharmacy to get the short-release kind.  Classic.

Dear Coworkers: Had you been wondering why I’ve looked more disheveled recently?  Or did you not even notice?

Meanwhile, I’ve been updating my relationship non-negotiables list (my last 2 posts).  It’s evolving, with support from CremelloQuarterPony, Little Miss Obsessive, and Wonferdul, I have started my “Cindy’s Perfect Guy” list.  I will use this as a template to write my next personal ad!  By the time I finish, I just may have the energy and optimism to go on another date…

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Irritability, Stupidity, and a List of Complaints

September 14, 2008

At first I couldn’t decide what to write about and now I’m on a roll.  I ended my last post noticing the growing list of things I’ve done to accommodate Dave.  These were all things I chose to do, so I have no one to blame but myself.  I’m also hesitant to judge his efforts  (or anyone else’s for that matter) because people give, express interest, and accommodate in different ways.

I just realized I didn’t spell check my last post.  Sorry.  I’m also feeling a tad bit premenstrual, so I’m feeling a little bitchier than usual.  But if that’s what it takes for me to find the right to complain, then so be it.

How has Dave been inflexible, selfish, or failed to express interest where appropriate?

He has a problem with “cafeteria feminism,” so he prefers to split things 50/50.  I’m a “full circle feminist” (I’ll define that another time), so I think the man should pay most of the time.  On our first date, he paid for our drinks, then proceeded to ask me if it was okay if we split the check.  I said it was fine and we split the check.  Since then we’ve pretty much split everything, but he’s paid for things a few times, too.  And he’s bought me a few gifts.  I’m willing to let this whole thing slide, but DO NOTE that I shaved my legs and painted my toenails for him.  What’s the opposite of cafeteria feminism?  Cafeteria androcentrism?

The oral sex hasn’t exactly been equitable…I’m definitely getting the less generous end of that deal.

I’m embarrassed to even say this, even though my name (Cindy Thomas) is a pseudonym…during our few sexual encounters, we have not used condoms.  He can barely get it up without a condom on, let alone with a condom on.  Even though our encounters have been brief and haven’t exactly culminated in fireworks, this is just plain STUPID.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.  Kind of like the cafe incident, I immediately told him how much that stressed me out…and that we’d have to figure something out…but it happened a few times after that.

I can’t believe how hard it is to admit to asinine behavior.

Moving on, I’ve been struggling with his lack of interest in reading my blog.  He knows there’s three parts to it…it’s not JUST about dating, but he doesn’t want to read my blog.  He says it’s about respecting my privacy, so it fair to interpret his behavior as a lack of interest?  I just can’t comprehend not having a burning desire to read someones blog or journal.