October 15, 2008

I just got off the phone with Harley.  I love that he is not intimidated by me.  He notices my idiosyncrasies and plays off of them.  He doesn’t take me too seriously, which is a relief.  What I mean is that when I give him funny looks or dirty looks, he isn’t phased.

This is in stark contrast to the last person I dated, who prodded me to be “more expressive.”  Little did he (or I?!) know that I wasn’t the problem…he was.

Anyway, I brought my son to work this afternoon.  Harley happened to ride his “bike” today, so he took Baby Bear down to see it.  Baby Bear needs a second nickname for this kind of situation.  I will call him Salaar, which last I knew, means warrior in Arabic.  I purposefully stayed in my office and let them do their guy thing.  I’m not really into testosterone and motorcycles and all that stuff, but I respect that Salaar needs his fix, growing up with only his brainiac mother. 

Anyway, Harley called me at work at 7pm because he knew I would be here.  I’m normally not here this late, but he had a feeling. 

Oh, I started writing this post with a point and then forgot what it was.  I wanted to bring something up.  In the past, I would NOT have dated Harley.  I think I may have mentioned this before…it’s because he is a nice guy.  He definitely has an edge about him that makes him appealing, but he is the kind of guy who wears his heart on his sleeve.  But he has a level of confidence that balances it out. 

Dang, I’m tired.  My POINT is that I don’t know if it’s something about Harley or something about me…I suspect it’s about me?  AttainingMe and Cremello have talked about this…about not wanting to date guys if you think you will break their heart.  I’ve always been like this, too.  I have passed up dating quite a few nice guys because I knew that if anyone was going to get their heart broken, it would definitely be them.

With Harley, I know it will be him that will get his heart broken if things get “deep” and then don’t work out.  I totally have the upper hand in this situation.  But, I’m consciously choosing not to run away.  I’m not going to pass up this opportunity to explore getting to know someone because I might hurt them.  I am proclaiming that it is not my responsibility to shelter his heart from pain.  I do have a responsibility to be honest and gentle with him, as I would with anyone else, but I cannot take responsibility for protecting his heart from the risk of loss or rejection.

Confession Time

October 4, 2008

There is a guy I haven’t told you about.  I’ve known him for 6 months.  We work on the same floor of the same building, but for two different employers.  His name is Harley.  I haven’t thought about him a lot over the past 6 months (until recently) because in some ways, he falls into the category of guys I don’t date.

In other ways, he is the kind of guy I should be dating.  He is nice, with a wild streak.  In other words, he’s nice, but not to a fault.  He has the bad boy edge, but he loves people and lives his life with integrity.

Also, he is totally into me.  I’ve known that for months.

The third thing may be the most important thing.  It’s something I too easily forget about.  I haven’t even written about it when it comes to what I’m looking for in a guy.  Maybe it’s because it’s not something I literally “look for” in “a guy,” but in some ways it’s more important than any trait (or combination of traits) a man has.  It’s how I feel when I’m around him.  When I see Harley, I feel good.  When I see him, I smile. 

The last week has been a serious challenge for me because of a tragedy in my neighborhood and problems my son has been having with bullies on the school bus.  It’s been a week with many ups and downs.  Unfortunately, I’ve spent a decent part of this week feeling depressed and overwhelmed.  But, whenever I see Harley in the hallway, I reflexively brighten up.