Non-Kodak Moments


Since becoming a parent, I have begun to refer to what I call “non-Kodak moments.”  These are the moments that occur between photographs; the times when you would be mortified if someone took a picture.  I have learned to accept the inevitability of the non-Kodak moments.  My goal is to maintain a balance between the Kodak and non-Kodak moments.

This applies to dating as well.  I think this is one reason people struggle with relationships, whether it be a parenting or romantic relationship.  We feel pressure to live up to impossible standards of perfection and happiness and contentment in relationships.  The thing is that there are always rough patches.  That is what helps us appreciate it when things are going well.

The beauty of blogging is that it provides a venue for sorting through all of those moments. 

The first difficult conversation Harley and I had was about my dogs.  His dogs are outdoor dogs.  In the wintertime, they stay in his heated garage.  My dogs are indoor dogs.  Since I adopted them all several years ago, they have spent one night outdoors and one week in my parents’ garage last winter.

The second difficult conversation we had was last night – about his children.  They have been what I consider “over-sharing” details of our relationship with their mother.  If they need someone to talk to, that’s one thing, but I seriously doubt that is what is going on.  I think they are trying to get a reaction out of her, which they have already succeeded in doing.  Now Harley is getting unpleasant phone calls from his ex about me and his relationship with me.

I was so ready to ignore this and not play into it, but yesterday my feelings got hurt.  Harley thought I was mad at him, but I wasn’t.  Intellectually, I know I shouldn’t take it personally, but it hurts me to be used as an object to manipulate, hurt, or get a reaction out of someone.  I take pride in living with integrity and doing my best to treat people well.  Sometimes I mess up.  I’ve already been mean to Harley a few times.  The last thing I need is to be thrown under a bus for something that has nothing to do with me or who I am as a person.

2 Responses to Non-Kodak Moments

  1. attainingme says:

    I have never thought of it as non-kodak moments. What a great analogy.

    Wow, this seems to be a difficult subject and one you can likely do nothing about. I doubt it’s possible to ask the children to not share and that may just aggravate the situation. Perhpas, indirectly they will start learning to be more sympathetic and empathetic and care about how they make people feel. I imagine this is something you would influence them in. I see you as someone who has many values and understandings of human nature, etc.

    As such, you probably do know that the children’s motivations also have nothing to do with you personally. While it’s impossible to not feel hurt and angry at being used as a tool of manipulation, step back from the situation. Try and understand that this is about them. Once you do this, it will also have less potential damaging effects on, you and Harley. Perhaps, you and Harley can join forces to try and see how you can help his children as opposed to being put on the defensive warding off crazy ex-phone calls and trying to justify your relationship.

    I don’t know. Good luck. Isn’t it funny how a relationship presents an entirely new set of problems. So, when you experience fights with Harley even though it hurts, be grateful and remember the loneliness that used to be in its place.

  2. Cindy Thomas says:

    Yes, I am working on remembering not to take things personally. I had been doing a good job, but something inside of me kind of snapped and all of a sudden, I was taking everything personally.

    Looking back, having PMS didn’t help the situation 🙂

    There have been some ups and downs, but I’m feeling a lot calmer now. I think the key is to accept things as they are and not worry about whether or exactly how things will pan out.

    And I totally hear you about relationships presenting an entirely new set of problems!! It’s so funny how we want to be in a relationship, but then relationships bring up so much…STUFF. Emotions, baggage, fears.

    These are the times I reflect back on what I said I wanted in a man. Harley isn’t a “perfect” match. I wasn’t picturing a man with three teenagers 🙂 but he has so many of the qualities I’m looking for…and that’s a unique mix. I’ll keep forging ahead and do my best to enjoy the process…not just the honeymoon aspects, but the non-Kodak moments as well!

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