Testing Men: An Incident vs. a Pattern

September 28, 2008

What I find annoying about dating is how much time it takes to figure out each person is not right for you.  We chalk up apparent insensitivity to “maybe he was joking” or “maybe he forgot” or “maybe it was a one-time thing.”  I would hate to dump someone because of one stupid thing they said or did, so I give them time to see if it becomes a pattern.

CremelloQuarterPony brought up something interesting a few days ago about testing men.  She was upset about something RockStar didn’t do.  She didn’t ask him to do anything, but hoped that he would think to do it on his own.  On the one hand, it’s not fair to expect people to guess what you want from them.  On the other hand, we shouldn’t always have to spell it out.

While women probably could generally improve their communication skills by being more direct about what they want from men, this doesn’t always make sense.  I suspect something gets lost in the process. 

If we have to spell out exactly what we want, we allow men to get lazy (or lazier, depending on the case).  It lets them off the hook.  They don’t have to bother making an effort to empathize with us and imagine what we may want.  They will wait for us to tell them, and then fulfill the request (or not).  But the thing is, it didn’t come from the heart.

There is something special about someone doing something nice for you (without having to ask for it).  We (women) do this all the time for men.  We go out of our way to anticipate their needs.  Like CremelloQuarterPony said, though, she’ll see if RockStar steps up to the plate in the future.  We can’t expect men to get everything right, but it’s a pattern to look out for over time.

Men Have Radar That Detects When a Girl is Ready to Move On

September 21, 2008

I had scheduled my “relationship post-mortem” for today, now that I’ve had some distance from Dave.  I went ahead and posted it a little while ago.

We last spoke 11 days ago and I never thought I would hear from him again.  Naturally, on the day that I plan to officially put closure on the relationship, he calls.  This reminds me of something Little Miss Obsessive wrote recently:

Sometimes, I feel like guys have this radar that detects when a girl is ready to move on.  It’s almost like they can hear you thinking “I’m done” and they know they need to step up or they will lose you…

For as socially inept as men can be sometimes, they have a knack for timing.  I’m going to try to make this post quick, because I’m hoping to catch the Neanderthal Code tonight on the National Geographic Channel.  I have a strong suspicion the show will help me understand what went wrong with Dave.  I had said he was not a meathead, but I think I may have been mistaken.

I need to vent for a moment…

The message he left said that he hadn’t called me because he was giving me space/time (if you’re going to blow me off, don’t tell me you did it for my own good – this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this crock of sh!t) since the last time we spoke I was in a “dark place.”  Huh?  Last time we talked, I said I was feeling apathetic about being social (really, I was just apathetic about talking to him, but was trying to be polite).  He immediately interpreted my apathy as a sign of depression.  I assured him this was not the case, that I feel apathetic from time to time and for me that is NOT the same thing as feeling depressed.

But, per his usual behavior, he assumed I was in a dark place and didn’t listen to me when I said I wasn’t in a dark place and proceeds to call me 11 days later to check on me to see how I’m doing since I was in a dark place last time we talked.  WTF?

Hey Dave, thanks for the concern 1.5 weeks later, dumb@ss!  Your support over the last 11 days (not calling me, but chatting with chics on match.com) has been priceless.