I Found the Cure for Loneliness!

October 14, 2008

 

I can’t believe it’s taken me this many years to figure it out.  If it was a simpler solution, I would have had this figured out years ago.  As it turns out, there is a scientific formula.  It goes something like this:

loneliness + desire to date + dating = confusion + frustration

dating + “free” dating sites = fear + disgust + cynicism

frustration + chocolate = less confusion

loneliness + vibrator = momentary happiness

dating + blogging about it + chocolate + vibrator = an absence of loneliness

I may not win the Nobel Peace Prize for the above calculations, but that’s okay.  The above sums up the degree of excitement (or should I say apathy?) I’m feeling about dating at the moment. 

The good news is that I am getting a serious change of scenery next week.  I will be checking out as many eligible men as possible in California.  It’s a big state and I’ll only have 4 or 5 days, but I’ll see what I can come up with.

Meanwhile, Harley and I have plans to hang out on Friday night.  Hmmm.  I wonder if it will pan out?


To Date or Not To Date…Harley

October 5, 2008

I’m not sure where to start when it comes to the possibility of dating Harley.  He doesn’t have ALL of my ideal traits, not that I’ve even gotten around to listing them yet.  I’ll just report on how he fits into the things I am looking for that I have defined so far:

some level of success (I guess I should define this further…)

This is the #1 catch with Harley so far.  In the past, I have NEVER held a lack of formal education against a guy.  Not everyone has had the opportunities that I have had.  At least half the guys I’ve dated have NOT had college degrees.  At some point, I came to the conclusion that I should only date guys who have college degrees and/or are successful by some other standards.

Harley went to college, but did not finish.  He got married when he was young and had three kids.  He was married for 18 years (divorced two years ago) and his kids are just about grown (i.e., almost out of the house).  He never went back to school because he was too busy providing for his family. 

an ability to conform to social expectations(being weird is okay, as long as you can turn it off voluntarily)

Harley is really good at this.  His effusive behavior is a bit over the top at times when he’s goofing around, but on the turn of a dime he can go into serious, normal, professional mode.

English language mastery

Yep.

self-reflective

Seems like it, but I guess I don’t know that for sure.  I’ll have to report back at a later date.

accurate perception of self

So far, so good.  He’s not overly hard on himself and he doesn’t think he’s Gods gift to the world, either.  (Dave seemed to think he was more evolved than he actually was…he didn’t take responsibility for his behavior, but was quick to make comments about mine).

healthy and exercises regularly

It seems like he’s in pretty good shape, but I don’t know his exercise habits yet.

does not eat meat every day

I think he is a typical carnivore.  I even caught him going to McDonalds with his coworkers one day.  I’m just as likely to dine on jupiter as I am to dine at McDonalds. 

agreement on politics

He isn’t keeping up on politics as much as we are in my office, but seeing as how we are “inside the Beltway,” we have the standards set pretty damn high.  He does have a newspaper article about Obama on the wall by his desk, so that’s a good sign.

likes animals (and is not allergic to them)

He ALSO has three dogs.  Don’t see any problems there, unless his dogs like to eat cats and/or other people’s big dogs.  He definitely gets points for being an animal person.

positive role model for Baby Bear

He is a hard worker and completely dedicated to his family.  His mother was a social worker (as am I).  He is generous and claims to NEVER run out of patience with children or people with disabilities (I am IMpatient and would love to be with someone who is NOT like me!).

Baby Bear has already asked me if he’s married.  Baby Bear is my own (unpaid) professional matchmaker.  He said Harley would make the perfect dad because he has a “tight bike” (a.k.a. cool motorcycle).  I added, “And he has nitrus boosters in his car…and I didn’t even think they were real!”

I am soooo not into cars and all that crap, but Baby Bear is really into that stuff.  I think motorcycles are too dangerous, but if I could afford one, I would have one.  I am an adreneline junkie.


Dogs, Dating, and Cell Phones

October 4, 2008

One small component of my bizarre week (the weirdest I’ve had in ages) was losing my cell phone yesterday.  I dropped it at the park.  Someone took it, ignored my repeated calls and accidentally called me on my other phone and hung up on me.  I tried calling several more times.  It made me sad that someone didn’t want to give me my (crappy) cell phone back.  Defeated, I called to suspend service to the (crappy) phone.

A few months ago, I washed my new cell phone in the washing machine.  It’s not something I recommend.  I have a LOT of experience with cell phones and water and it tends not to end well.  After the washing machine incident, I switched back to my previous cell phone, which Patrick had bought for me.

Back-Story

I lost a cell phone in a lake a few summers ago.  After replacing the “lake phone” (that I loved, but they stopped making that style) with a phone I didn’t like (but paid $200 for) I refused to purchase any more cell phones.  So, when my brand new $200 phone that I didn’t even like was thrown into a river a few weeks later, I stubbornly decided I would not replace it. 

Patrick’s dog killed my brand new phone.  While Patrick and I were skinny dipping in a river, our dogs were having a jolly old time running around in the dark.  When I got out, my sweatshirt was missing.  I found it about 20 feet away from the dock where I left it.  I checked the pockets…my keys were still there, but my cell phone was gone.  When I realized my cell phone was missing, Patrick told me he should have mentioned that his dog goes berserk when phones ring in vibration mode.  Apparently, his dog had pulled it out of my sweatshirt pocket and shook it (trying to break its neck/kill it) and in the process, it flew out of the side of his mouth and into the river.  Guess who was calling me?  The woman who flipped the jet ski, causing my last phone to sink to the bottom of a lake a few weeks earlier.

Patrick fished my phone out of the water about 10 minutes later, but it was too late.  It never worked again.  After a couple of days he realized I was serious about not replacing it.  I love technology, but I have a stubborn streak.  He didn’t like not being able to call me.  He bought me a new one and even had the service transferred for me.

When I lost my cell phone yesterday, my first thought was to invest in a CrackBerry.  I’ve been wanting one for about a year now.  After finding some great prices on eBay, I looked at my checking account.  No can do.  I can’t afford to buy a low-end phone, let alone a high-end phone at the moment.

As fate would have it, Harley was in the building today.  I was getting caught up on work.  I could hear him talking on his CrackBerry in the hallway, so I jumped up to say hi before he got on the elevator.  He brightened up, like he does every time he sees me (although I admit he is the kind of person who brightens up for everyone, which is one thing that is really cool about him).  He said he would give me his old phone (his employer just bought him the CrackBerry a week ago).  Nice!  This alleviates some of my financial stress and feelings of being overwhelmed.

To top it off, later in the day, he drove 15 miles out of his way in urban traffic to drop the cell phone off in my mailbox.  That, my friends, is the kind of thing a guy does for you when he is really into you.


Confession Time

October 4, 2008

There is a guy I haven’t told you about.  I’ve known him for 6 months.  We work on the same floor of the same building, but for two different employers.  His name is Harley.  I haven’t thought about him a lot over the past 6 months (until recently) because in some ways, he falls into the category of guys I don’t date.

In other ways, he is the kind of guy I should be dating.  He is nice, with a wild streak.  In other words, he’s nice, but not to a fault.  He has the bad boy edge, but he loves people and lives his life with integrity.

Also, he is totally into me.  I’ve known that for months.

The third thing may be the most important thing.  It’s something I too easily forget about.  I haven’t even written about it when it comes to what I’m looking for in a guy.  Maybe it’s because it’s not something I literally “look for” in “a guy,” but in some ways it’s more important than any trait (or combination of traits) a man has.  It’s how I feel when I’m around him.  When I see Harley, I feel good.  When I see him, I smile. 

The last week has been a serious challenge for me because of a tragedy in my neighborhood and problems my son has been having with bullies on the school bus.  It’s been a week with many ups and downs.  Unfortunately, I’ve spent a decent part of this week feeling depressed and overwhelmed.  But, whenever I see Harley in the hallway, I reflexively brighten up.


OkPervert, I mean, OkCupid

October 4, 2008

If you don’t want to get grossed out and mortified, DON’T READ THIS POST.  I’ll post another one shortly to bury this one.  I’m torn between wanting to share my REAL experiences with online dating and not wanting to traumatize or jade my fellow bloggers and readers.  So, if you have a weak stomach, stop reading now!

I could write a whole post (or more) on screen names.  Some of them are goofy.  Some are dumb.  Some are funny.  Some…leave me at a loss for words.

I assume at this point, you have donned some protective gear.  Maybe not a hazmat suit, but some kind of psychological protection…some kind of mental preparation.  If not, don’t say I didn’t warn you.  Several times.

I believe I may have been contacted by one of the creepiest men on the planet.  His screen name is bizarre.  And I’ve seen lots of screen names at this point in the game.  It contains two words that are not normally found in dating circles.  One is a bag.  And the other is a word that starts with an “s.”  It’s what Africans were kept as when they were kidnapped and stolen from Africa and brought to North America and rhymes with brave.

He IMed me and I ignored him.  I looked at his profile.  Or maybe I looked at his profile out of perverse curiosity and then he IMed me.  Whatever.  He’s one of those guys who is ALWAYS online.  He has an open invitation to come chat with him on webcam.  He indicates he has a “unique personality with a twist.”

He likes “ladies” (always a dead give away a guy is old enough to be your father) in a dress or a skirt and sexy heels with nice legs and nicely pedicured toes.  He makes plenty of references to beer, which is always a good sign.  He boasts that he’s “kind of different than what you might be used to in a guy!”

About YOU: “You love wearing heels and always keep your feet nicely pedicured and your toenails freshly painted…this is a MUST!  You enjoy shoe shopping and don’t like to go alone…want some company?  You want to make me your &itch.”

The icing on the cake (and the grand finale of the story) happend when I read an email he sent me and his picture looked like this:

The quality is pretty bad, but he’s naked with a bag over his head.  I am going to need intense psychotherapy after experimenting with “free” online dating sites.


Online Dating and Full Body Pictures

October 3, 2008

Another guy emailed me.  I wouldn’t have answered his ad, but he put a picture of himself up for long enough for me to look at it, then took it back down.  His name is Grant.  Well, actually it’s not.  Remember, I choose to protect the innocent.  Speaking of innocence and guilt, he is a police officer.  And he’s 6’4″.  I imagined a meathead, but from his picture, he seems like a nice fellow.  There’s something about pictures that (sometimes) captures the essence of people.

We emailed back and forth a couple of times.  He gave me his phone number.  I called a day or two later and left a message.  He called me back the next day.  He was a little softspoken on the phone (not a domineering voice).  I had been having a pretty bad day, but got off the phone in a great mood.  He seems like one of the few “normals” on the site.

We each exchanged another picture.  He texted me last night asking if I had any “full body pics.”  I said “no.”  He said “come on.”  I said “you’re starting to sound like the jerks I’ve been dealing with.”  He said “ok.”  He asked if I was online.  I said “no, I’m looking for my dog.”

One of my dogs had escaped “the compound.”  There’s a narrow space in the corner of the front yard where the fences come together.  He figured out he can squeeze through it if he slithers through it like a snake, rotating his shoulders and hips back and forth.  He’s a momma’s boy, so he’s never gone for long.  Once he’s chased enough rabbits, he comes running home with his head down, waiting for me to bop him on the head.

Anyway, back to the full body picthing.  I’ve spent a total of more than a year doing online dating.  No one has EVER asked me for a full body pic.  I don’t do “full body pics.”  I think it’s sleazy when people use them in dating profiles.  It’s like, Hi, I’m Cindy, look at me, I’m sticking my boobs out for you.  I have more respect for myself.

If you don’t like to date fat people, guess what?  Neither do I.  I can tell by looking at a guys picture (usually) if he is fat or not.  It’s not even about vanity for me, it’s about physical health.  I don’t want to date someone who is killing themselves with Big Macs.

I can’t decide if this is just an innocent request or a red flag.  On the one hand it’s arguably not a big deal, but I don’t like feeling like I’m a piece of meat.  This is an issue of principle for me.  I have a great body.  I’m not trying to hide anything.  I just find the request invasive.


One Fish Back to the Muddy Pond

October 3, 2008

The boy toy tried to IM me today when I logged in to plentyoffish.com to check my email.  I ignored him.  I’ve also ignored the two text messages he has sent me this week. 

Meanwhile, another guy that I had IMed with has since called and IMed some more.  I don’t even remember giving him my phone number.  When he called yesterday, I had NO idea who he was.  I thought he was the boy toy, but he didn’t use slang.  Then I was like, ooooh, this is the accountant in VA with the cute dogs.  I guess I don’t have to worry about coming across as desperate when it takes me 30 seconds to figure out who the heck you are when you call me.

I was riding my bike and stopped to take the call.  I don’t know why.  Next thing I know we’re talking politics…and this dude is voting for McCain.  Wow.  I told him to call me later because I wanted to get home before dark.  He didn’t call, but tried IMing me earlier this evening.  We chatted for a minute, but I cut him loose.  This is one are where I am firm and unapologetic:  I don’t date Republicans or people who are going to vote for the McCain/Palin ticket.

You are entitled to your opinions and your belief system, but I do not have to date you.


Dating Best (and Worst) Practices

October 1, 2008

Today I was going to share one of my (few) dating best practices.  I’ll go ahead and share it, even though I proceeded to IGNORE it and spend 2 hours IMing with a guy.  I made a rule (which I just broke) that I would not IM guys any more since they seem to be IMing for booty calls.  So, I composed this yesterday:

Hi…I just signed in to check my email.  Send me an email and I will look at your profile.  Thanks!

That way I can “agree” to chat, paste that in, and then close the chat down.  That way I get rid of the stupid request.  Otherwise it goes bing, bing, bing as long as you’re logged in.  I did use this approach earlier and it worked pretty well.  And, of course, the guys didn’t bother sending me emails.  Or maybe they did.  I don’t remember.  Dating, IM, and email just turns into a big blur sometimes.

So, I finally figured out how to look at a guys profile before agreeing to IM him.  This guy has one of those hunky main pictures (no shirt) and I had to roll my eyes.  But then I saw a picture of his dogs. 

oh so cute

oh so cute

They were so cute, I decided to chat with him.  I wasted 2+ freaking hours talking to him.  I might meet him in person, so who knows if it was a total waste.  But, I have a headache and I didn’t mean to talk for more than 5 minutes!!!

This whole IM dating thing is like CRACK.

I may need treatment soon.  If I write any more posts like this, send for backup!


Dating…on My Planet

September 30, 2008

Is it too much to ask to date someone on this planet?  Heck, maybe even someone on the same continent?  Imagine dating someone on the same side of the Mississippi River.

I mentioned 2 red flags in my last post and forgot to describe the second one, which is distance.  The guy in question (for whom the red flags were raised) lives 120 miles away from me.  What’s up with that? 

Is it too much to ask that my dating prospects live close enough where we could see each other in person…on a regular basis?  By regular, I mean a few times a week.  Let’s say you live 20 miles from me and we see each other three times a week.  That is 120 miles a week and at least $50 in gas and wear and tear on your car.  Not to mention the whole problem with the environment. 

I don’t ride my bike to work at least 4 days (and 64 miles) each week to save on gas and parking so that I can spend my free time wasting my time, money, and health driving from point A to point B and back so I can spend time with a guy.  The above scenario would entail spending $200 per month and at least 12 hours (likely more, depending on traffic) per week sitting on my (increasingly) fat ass in a car.  I wouldn’t even do that for my best friend!

The guy, let’s give him a unique name – the Driver, responded by saying he likes to drive.  Okay, so you are willing to waste time, money, and gas (and be environmentally irresponsible) so you can date a woman who lives a good two hours away?  My best guess is that he’s already played every available woman in his own city and/or wants me a safe distance from his devoted wife and children (which, of course, he will never mention.  He’ll tell me he’s single).  Whatever.

So, back to My Planet. 

I prefer to date people who live within 5 to 10 miles of me.  I pay through the nose ($1,800/month) to rent a house just outside of a major metropolitan area.  When my parents came to visit, they referred to my neighborhood as “working class.”  You should have seen the looks on their faces (shock, horror, disbelief) when I told them that the houses in my neighborhood sell for $400K and up. 

I am not paying $1,800 per month (not including utilities) to live in a small, half-ass-renovated home built just after World War II.  I’m paying to live in proximity to a major metropolitan area and all it has to offer.  Why would I choose an (expensive) “urban” lifestyle?  Instead of spending money on gas, a new car, and private school (not to mention time spent commuting), I choose to invest a huge portion of my salary into rent while I enjoy the conveniences of living in an urban area.  Dating someone who lives even 30 miles away defeats the purpose of the lifestyle I have chosen for myself.

I need to adjust my profile to tell people not to bother contacting me if they live 120 miles away, or in Texas, Canada, or Russia (yes, someone just emailed me from Russia).  What are people thinking?!!

 


Dating IM Overload

September 29, 2008

I kind of hated it, but it was kind of fun.  Like blogging, its addicting.

I’ve never been much of an IM person.  I came of age before IM.  The first person I ever IMed with was a friend of mine, Gabe.  We had known of each other for years (we grew up in the same town) and had been friends for a couple of years.  I had developed an intense crush on him during that time.  One day, after I had moved away, we ended up chatting on IM.  I somehow got carried away and admitted to him that I had feelings for him.  The feelings were not reciprocal, but that is not the point of the story.  The point is that this novel form of communication somehow lessened my inhibitions, enabling me to say something I wouldn’t otherwise say, so I’ve avoided it over the years…

One of the sites I posted my profile on was plentyoffish.com.  When I checked my email on that site this morning, someone tried to IM me.  Usually I ignore IMs, but against my better judgment, I thought, what the heck…and responded.  I decided ahead of time that I would limit the conversation to five minutes.  That was wise.  We chatted for a few minutes.  I looked at his profile, which I couldn’t figure out how to do BEFORE agreeing to chat with him. 

His profile had two red flags.  He is bi-racial and dates white women.  I’m an equal opportunity dater, probably to my detriment, so I find it problematic when people limit themselves to a particular race.  As if it isn’t hard enough to find someone as it is…by the time you factor in racial preferences, height preferences, yada yada yada, the dating pool gets reeealllly small.

I checked my email again at around 4:45pm and ended up getting chat requests from three different guys.  I figured, what the heck, the work day is over, why not talk to three people at the same time?!!  I managed to exchange email addresses with two people, both of whom noticed I was a bit distracted.  I flattered the guy who was the cutest for good measure.  Anyway, I ended up chatting with the least likely prospect, a 24 year old guy, for an hour.  When I say prospect, I mean boy toy prospect.  That’s not what I was looking for, but after my experience with Dave, I’ve been left a bit…how shall we say…frustrated and unsatisfied?!!

So, I had my first almost-internet/phone-sex with someone!  I’ve always thought that was silly and never thought I would be into it, but it was kind of fun.  We talked on the phone, too, which I normally NEVER do this early.  I guess because I knew he wasn’t a true dating prospect, I let my guard down.

Unfortunately, or probably fortunately, he lives 30 miles away.  Otherwise I would probably be having sex with him – in real life – right now.  I am glad he lives far enough away to make that impractical.  AND I am so glad that my libido seems to have returned!  I don’t know if this will be a short-lived fluke or not, but it feels good to be alive!