October 26, 2008

Although Harley and I have known each other through work for more than six months, the Friday before last, we had our “first date.”  We’d been out to happy hour two times with coworkers and he had given me a ride home once, but this was our first time “out” alone.  It was kind of strange, though, since we’ve known each other for a while and the attraction and emotions have been growing during that time.

That Friday, 9 days ago, we kissed for the first time.  I was a little reluctant at first as I wanted to savor the growing attraction.  I was enjoying the arc of attraction up to the first kiss and the first sexual encounter and wanted it to last a bit longer.  It’s like building up to an orgasm, but the process can last for as many days, weeks, or months as the attraction to a specific person has gone unfulfilled.

Within a few seconds, my reluctance faded away.  This kiss was so nice.  He has such soft lips.  Damn, I’m getting turned on as I write this.  I had two orgasms Saturday morning thinking of him.  On Sunday, I had to go into work to prepare for a week-long work trip to California.  He stopped by.  We went to the mail room and talked and made out for at least an hour.  It was perfect.  It was hot, but it wasn’t the right place to take it any further.

And then I was out of town for the week.  The timing was terribly perfect.  Had I stayed in town, I think we would have had sex, even though we were trying to wait as long as possible.  He wanted to take things slowly.  He wanted things to be right.  I told him I am like a guy when it comes to sex; I wanted it to mean something.

We talked and texted each other during the week.  He took care of my mom and my son for me.  He made sure they had everything they needed.  He picked me up from the airport at 5:30 AM two days ago.  He lives on the opposite side of the city as the airport I flew into.  He was busy with work.  But he told me before I left he would pick me up and he did.  I didn’t even need a ride, but he wouldn’t have it any other way.


Social Class and Dating

October 17, 2008

This is something I’ve struggled with for years…how should social class issues factor into who I date?  In the past, I have usually dated guys in the lower middle class range.  At some point, I began to suspect maybe THAT was my problem with men…I was setting my “standards” too low.

So, for the past few years, I’ve made an effort to date a wider variety of guys.  I’ve leaned away from dating guys with “some college” towards dating guys with advanced degrees.  But life isn’t that simple.  There are so many other factors that go into the dating equation that changing one component of the equation doesn’t seem to make an obvious difference in the quality of my dating life.

The question has now come back to me, full circle…who am I to require a certain level of education or social standing in a potential partner?  Had I been born into different circumstances, my life would have turned out differently.  I am hesitant to judge anyones value based on arguably elitist standards, which brings me to another point…what is my social class?

I have experienced, in one way, shape, or form, every social class except for the “underclass” and the old-wealth capitalist class.

In walks Harley.  I smile. 

I guess he falls into the “lower-middle class.”  He’s into muscle cars and has the fastest “street legal” bike available.  He has a souped up Mustang with nitrous boosters in the trunk.  He is stocky and muscular.  He has tattoos.  When he gave me a ride home last night, he was telling me to give my mom his number in case she needs anything while she’s in town taking care of my son while I’m in California.  I looked over at him while he’s saying this and noticed he has a baseball cap on backwards.

Harley, like me, is a walking contradiction.  He’s ghetto, but not all the time.  He’s funny.  Sometimes he’s serious.  He cries when he watches the Biggest Loser.  He’s not white enough to be white.  He’s not black enough to be black.  He’s an entertainer; he’s the life of the party…he does this because he wants people to have fun, not because he needs to be the center of attention.  He loves his mom.  He loves his kids.  He works hard.  He exudes warmth.


October 15, 2008

I just got off the phone with Harley.  I love that he is not intimidated by me.  He notices my idiosyncrasies and plays off of them.  He doesn’t take me too seriously, which is a relief.  What I mean is that when I give him funny looks or dirty looks, he isn’t phased.

This is in stark contrast to the last person I dated, who prodded me to be “more expressive.”  Little did he (or I?!) know that I wasn’t the problem…he was.

Anyway, I brought my son to work this afternoon.  Harley happened to ride his “bike” today, so he took Baby Bear down to see it.  Baby Bear needs a second nickname for this kind of situation.  I will call him Salaar, which last I knew, means warrior in Arabic.  I purposefully stayed in my office and let them do their guy thing.  I’m not really into testosterone and motorcycles and all that stuff, but I respect that Salaar needs his fix, growing up with only his brainiac mother. 

Anyway, Harley called me at work at 7pm because he knew I would be here.  I’m normally not here this late, but he had a feeling. 

Oh, I started writing this post with a point and then forgot what it was.  I wanted to bring something up.  In the past, I would NOT have dated Harley.  I think I may have mentioned this before…it’s because he is a nice guy.  He definitely has an edge about him that makes him appealing, but he is the kind of guy who wears his heart on his sleeve.  But he has a level of confidence that balances it out. 

Dang, I’m tired.  My POINT is that I don’t know if it’s something about Harley or something about me…I suspect it’s about me?  AttainingMe and Cremello have talked about this…about not wanting to date guys if you think you will break their heart.  I’ve always been like this, too.  I have passed up dating quite a few nice guys because I knew that if anyone was going to get their heart broken, it would definitely be them.

With Harley, I know it will be him that will get his heart broken if things get “deep” and then don’t work out.  I totally have the upper hand in this situation.  But, I’m consciously choosing not to run away.  I’m not going to pass up this opportunity to explore getting to know someone because I might hurt them.  I am proclaiming that it is not my responsibility to shelter his heart from pain.  I do have a responsibility to be honest and gentle with him, as I would with anyone else, but I cannot take responsibility for protecting his heart from the risk of loss or rejection.

I Found the Cure for Loneliness!

October 14, 2008


I can’t believe it’s taken me this many years to figure it out.  If it was a simpler solution, I would have had this figured out years ago.  As it turns out, there is a scientific formula.  It goes something like this:

loneliness + desire to date + dating = confusion + frustration

dating + “free” dating sites = fear + disgust + cynicism

frustration + chocolate = less confusion

loneliness + vibrator = momentary happiness

dating + blogging about it + chocolate + vibrator = an absence of loneliness

I may not win the Nobel Peace Prize for the above calculations, but that’s okay.  The above sums up the degree of excitement (or should I say apathy?) I’m feeling about dating at the moment. 

The good news is that I am getting a serious change of scenery next week.  I will be checking out as many eligible men as possible in California.  It’s a big state and I’ll only have 4 or 5 days, but I’ll see what I can come up with.

Meanwhile, Harley and I have plans to hang out on Friday night.  Hmmm.  I wonder if it will pan out?

To Date or Not To Date…Harley

October 5, 2008

I’m not sure where to start when it comes to the possibility of dating Harley.  He doesn’t have ALL of my ideal traits, not that I’ve even gotten around to listing them yet.  I’ll just report on how he fits into the things I am looking for that I have defined so far:

some level of success (I guess I should define this further…)

This is the #1 catch with Harley so far.  In the past, I have NEVER held a lack of formal education against a guy.  Not everyone has had the opportunities that I have had.  At least half the guys I’ve dated have NOT had college degrees.  At some point, I came to the conclusion that I should only date guys who have college degrees and/or are successful by some other standards.

Harley went to college, but did not finish.  He got married when he was young and had three kids.  He was married for 18 years (divorced two years ago) and his kids are just about grown (i.e., almost out of the house).  He never went back to school because he was too busy providing for his family. 

an ability to conform to social expectations(being weird is okay, as long as you can turn it off voluntarily)

Harley is really good at this.  His effusive behavior is a bit over the top at times when he’s goofing around, but on the turn of a dime he can go into serious, normal, professional mode.

English language mastery



Seems like it, but I guess I don’t know that for sure.  I’ll have to report back at a later date.

accurate perception of self

So far, so good.  He’s not overly hard on himself and he doesn’t think he’s Gods gift to the world, either.  (Dave seemed to think he was more evolved than he actually was…he didn’t take responsibility for his behavior, but was quick to make comments about mine).

healthy and exercises regularly

It seems like he’s in pretty good shape, but I don’t know his exercise habits yet.

does not eat meat every day

I think he is a typical carnivore.  I even caught him going to McDonalds with his coworkers one day.  I’m just as likely to dine on jupiter as I am to dine at McDonalds. 

agreement on politics

He isn’t keeping up on politics as much as we are in my office, but seeing as how we are “inside the Beltway,” we have the standards set pretty damn high.  He does have a newspaper article about Obama on the wall by his desk, so that’s a good sign.

likes animals (and is not allergic to them)

He ALSO has three dogs.  Don’t see any problems there, unless his dogs like to eat cats and/or other people’s big dogs.  He definitely gets points for being an animal person.

positive role model for Baby Bear

He is a hard worker and completely dedicated to his family.  His mother was a social worker (as am I).  He is generous and claims to NEVER run out of patience with children or people with disabilities (I am IMpatient and would love to be with someone who is NOT like me!).

Baby Bear has already asked me if he’s married.  Baby Bear is my own (unpaid) professional matchmaker.  He said Harley would make the perfect dad because he has a “tight bike” (a.k.a. cool motorcycle).  I added, “And he has nitrus boosters in his car…and I didn’t even think they were real!”

I am soooo not into cars and all that crap, but Baby Bear is really into that stuff.  I think motorcycles are too dangerous, but if I could afford one, I would have one.  I am an adreneline junkie.

Dogs, Dating, and Cell Phones

October 4, 2008

One small component of my bizarre week (the weirdest I’ve had in ages) was losing my cell phone yesterday.  I dropped it at the park.  Someone took it, ignored my repeated calls and accidentally called me on my other phone and hung up on me.  I tried calling several more times.  It made me sad that someone didn’t want to give me my (crappy) cell phone back.  Defeated, I called to suspend service to the (crappy) phone.

A few months ago, I washed my new cell phone in the washing machine.  It’s not something I recommend.  I have a LOT of experience with cell phones and water and it tends not to end well.  After the washing machine incident, I switched back to my previous cell phone, which Patrick had bought for me.


I lost a cell phone in a lake a few summers ago.  After replacing the “lake phone” (that I loved, but they stopped making that style) with a phone I didn’t like (but paid $200 for) I refused to purchase any more cell phones.  So, when my brand new $200 phone that I didn’t even like was thrown into a river a few weeks later, I stubbornly decided I would not replace it. 

Patrick’s dog killed my brand new phone.  While Patrick and I were skinny dipping in a river, our dogs were having a jolly old time running around in the dark.  When I got out, my sweatshirt was missing.  I found it about 20 feet away from the dock where I left it.  I checked the pockets…my keys were still there, but my cell phone was gone.  When I realized my cell phone was missing, Patrick told me he should have mentioned that his dog goes berserk when phones ring in vibration mode.  Apparently, his dog had pulled it out of my sweatshirt pocket and shook it (trying to break its neck/kill it) and in the process, it flew out of the side of his mouth and into the river.  Guess who was calling me?  The woman who flipped the jet ski, causing my last phone to sink to the bottom of a lake a few weeks earlier.

Patrick fished my phone out of the water about 10 minutes later, but it was too late.  It never worked again.  After a couple of days he realized I was serious about not replacing it.  I love technology, but I have a stubborn streak.  He didn’t like not being able to call me.  He bought me a new one and even had the service transferred for me.

When I lost my cell phone yesterday, my first thought was to invest in a CrackBerry.  I’ve been wanting one for about a year now.  After finding some great prices on eBay, I looked at my checking account.  No can do.  I can’t afford to buy a low-end phone, let alone a high-end phone at the moment.

As fate would have it, Harley was in the building today.  I was getting caught up on work.  I could hear him talking on his CrackBerry in the hallway, so I jumped up to say hi before he got on the elevator.  He brightened up, like he does every time he sees me (although I admit he is the kind of person who brightens up for everyone, which is one thing that is really cool about him).  He said he would give me his old phone (his employer just bought him the CrackBerry a week ago).  Nice!  This alleviates some of my financial stress and feelings of being overwhelmed.

To top it off, later in the day, he drove 15 miles out of his way in urban traffic to drop the cell phone off in my mailbox.  That, my friends, is the kind of thing a guy does for you when he is really into you.

Confession Time

October 4, 2008

There is a guy I haven’t told you about.  I’ve known him for 6 months.  We work on the same floor of the same building, but for two different employers.  His name is Harley.  I haven’t thought about him a lot over the past 6 months (until recently) because in some ways, he falls into the category of guys I don’t date.

In other ways, he is the kind of guy I should be dating.  He is nice, with a wild streak.  In other words, he’s nice, but not to a fault.  He has the bad boy edge, but he loves people and lives his life with integrity.

Also, he is totally into me.  I’ve known that for months.

The third thing may be the most important thing.  It’s something I too easily forget about.  I haven’t even written about it when it comes to what I’m looking for in a guy.  Maybe it’s because it’s not something I literally “look for” in “a guy,” but in some ways it’s more important than any trait (or combination of traits) a man has.  It’s how I feel when I’m around him.  When I see Harley, I feel good.  When I see him, I smile. 

The last week has been a serious challenge for me because of a tragedy in my neighborhood and problems my son has been having with bullies on the school bus.  It’s been a week with many ups and downs.  Unfortunately, I’ve spent a decent part of this week feeling depressed and overwhelmed.  But, whenever I see Harley in the hallway, I reflexively brighten up.