Dating, Libido, and Antidepressants

September 8, 2008

As I casually mentioned in a previous post, antidepressants sometimes have what they call “sexual side effects,” which may include some or all of the following: trouble getting in the mood, staying in the mood, and/or reaching orgasm.  This is fine and dandy if you’re not doing a combination of the following: taking antidepressants, dating, and/or interested in having sex.

Dave and I are both very intelligent, but both come from significantly dysfunctional families.  I’ll save the discussion of how intelligence and dysfunction might relate for another time.  The point is, we’re both smart, successful (he’s a tenured college professor), reasonably happy, mildly neurotic, and fun to be around…but only if we take our medication(s).  Between the two of us, we have tried every antidepressant and ADD medication under the sun, including those that were developed to treat other disorders but have shown promise for “off label use” for the treatment of depression, anxiety, or inattention…or any other symptom or side effect of other drugs.  Once you start taking one medication or a combination of medications, sometimes you end up with undesirable side effects and need to tweak your drug cocktail.

In case you wonder, why take the medications at all?  It’s called “quality of life,” people.  I’ve been taking antidepressants on and off for about 18 years.  Trust me, this has given me ample time to weigh the pros and cons of taking various medications.  When I am “in treatment,” I am less likely to drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes, and engage in impulsive and reckless behavior.  And I’m happier.  And I attract healthier people into my life.  Use your imagination to figure out what I’m like when I’m not “in treatment.”

Back to the present, Dave and I are experiencing sexual side effects from the medications we are taking.  It doesn’t mean we haven’t had fun together, but there have been a few, uh, anticlimactic moments.  We’ve both been down this road before and have consulted our shrinks and have begun tweaking our meds.  We’re both confident that we will make up for lost time soon enough, but meanwhile, we are both moody as our brains and bodies adjust.

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Busted…in a Parking Garage

September 5, 2008

Yesterday after work I met up with Dave to hang out for a bit.  He looked hot, the best I’ve seen him look yet.  He had on jeans and a nice belt and shoes.  His shirt was really cool.  My first thought was Charlie Brown on LSD.  I shared my observation and he told me it was designed by a Hip-Hop artist and Japanese designer.  Dave is 10 years older than me and his hair has already turned completely silver.  But, damn, he looked good.  Never underestimate the power and impact of great fashion sense.

After getting caught up on what was new in our lives and the currently bizarre world of politics, he walked me to my car.  It was already almost 7pm (i.e., past rush hour) and since my car was parked several levels below ground, it’s a little hard to get to.  For some reason, they close the elevators and stairways at 6pm, so you actually have to walk around in circles to get to your car.  Weird.

We finally get to my car, which is parked at the end of a dead end, three levels under ground.  There are no cars, except for a red Mazda Miata right next to my car.  We proceeded to have a fun make-out session on the other side of a cement pillar.  We were aiming for being discreet, which was only possible if the owner of the Miata didn’t get their car in the next 10 minutes or so.  In Match.com lingo, Dave finds PDA (public displays of affection) a turnon, while I list PDA as a turnoff.

As we are enjoying the most of our brief make-out session, Dave grabbed my brea…(crap my boss just walked by, I better get back to work)…sts, animalistically (I just invented this word), one in each hand.  We had been making out for less than 2 minutes and the owner of the Miata came to get her car.  He removed his hands from my breasts and stepped back and shyly chuckled.  I’d never seen him embarrassed before.  He looked so damn cute!  It was an incredibly endearing moment.


Dating for Dummies

September 4, 2008

Last weekend, I went book shopping for my son.  I would have said I went shopping with him, but he was not very helpful.  He just started middle school and needs to read three books on three different subjects.  After picking the last book, Web 2.0 Heroes, I glanced over and noticed a book on a different shelf called Relationships for Dummies.  My son was occupied with a book on inventions, so I thumbed through it for a few minutes.  I was tempted to buy it, but I hadn’t come to buy any books for myself.  Well, maybe the Web 2.0 book was for me…although it’s my job to train him to become a geek like me.  I put the Dummy Book the back on the shelf.

Later, I told Dave, half-kiddingly, how I had seen a dummy book about relationships.  Without pause, he said he thought it would be helpful for me.  I suppose I could have taken offense to his remark, but I didn’t.  That’s what I like about him.  He is very kind in his intentions and gentle in his delivery, so he can be brutally honest without hurting my feelings.

A few days later, I was getting caught up on the latest Adventures With Dating and saw a reference to the Dating for Dummies book.  I assumed it was the same book I had looked at, but it was not.  As it turns out there are a number of books…Dating for Dummies, Internet Dating for Dummies, Relationships for Dummies, Romance for Dummies, Sex for Dummies, etc.  Apparently there are enough people like me to keep this publisher in the relationship/dating business.


Dating and Boundaries

September 2, 2008

Right after I posted the last blog about thinking Dave was too old for me the first time I saw him, he asked if he could read my blog.  I’m pretty open about the fact that I write this blog.  I’ve shared the link with some of my friends, hoping they find it amusing and interesting (and hopefully not TMI (too much information) at times!).  I wasn’t surprised or offended that he asked.  I had already planned on sharing the info, but didn’t want to volunteer it if he wasn’t interested.

So, I told him how to find it (Google: cindy dating).  As I was telling him this, I was remembering that I said he was “old” and hoped he wouldn’t be mortally offended by the comment.  Now would be a good time to mention…or should I say confess…that I once mentioned my dating blog on a first date.  I was too embarrassed to admit that at the time.  This was the date where the moment he said “I’ll call you,” I knew I would never hear from him again.  I’m not sure if it was the fact that he was horrified that I was writing about my dating experiences or something else.

Anyway, I figured my blog couldn’t possibly scare Dave off since we’ve already shared our histories of intermittent sanity with each other.  We both take antidepressants.  Did you know that certain antidepressants are infamously linked with sexual side effects?  I’ll save that story for another post.

To make a long story short, Dave wasn’t mortally offended by the age thing.  He did tell me that he didn’t think he should read my blog anymore…to respect my privacy.  He doesn’t want me to censor myself, which I would likely do if I knew he would be reading what I said.  I told him I don’t really care, because I don’t.  I asked him if he read any of the other posts and he said that he didn’t.  He admitted to being a narcissist and just wanted to know what I had written about him.  After I thought about it, I realized that I agreed with him.  If he was just going to read my blog to see what I’ve written about him, he would be missing the point anyway.  The blog is about ME and all of my dating and relationship experiences.  He would rather hear about these directly from me.  If he had a blog, I’d read every word of it, but every person is different.


Date #5, Date #6, Date #7, etc…

August 29, 2008

I’ve been stalling on officially updating my dating life…because the guy I went out with on Date #5 turned out to be pretty cool.  My first thought upon meeting him was that he was too old for me.  However, I am serious about not making snap judgments about people and this time it seems to be paying off.  Although my initial reaction evoked the fight-or-flight response, it lasted only a moment.  I almost always have a nice time on dates, so I figured I might as well relax and enjoy the experience.

Dave was immediately warm and charming…and a good conversationalist.  In a way, he is not my type at all in terms of physicality.  He’s a good 4 inches taller than me, which I am not used to.  I’m tall, and although I like to complain about my shorter friends stealing all of the tall men (leaving me with the shorter ones), I am intimidated by men who are taller than me.  But, it kind of turns me on, too.  He also has the physique of a football player.  Once again, this sort of turns me on, but at the same time it has been a turnoff in the past because guys like this are usually meatheads.  Or maybe that’s an unchallenged stereotype I’ve been carrying around in my head.  He’s actually not the first guy I’ve known who has turned out to be a gentle, intelligent, sensitive, empathetic…giant.

Ultimately, the reason I like him is because he is very intelligent and very sensitive.  I was roughhousing with him yesterday and he said I was hurting him.  He didn’t like it.  Some women may find sensitivity in a guy a turnoff, but I find it to be a huge turnon.  I like a guy with a nice balance of masculine and feminine traits.  I have a balance of these traits myself and I need someone to complement me.  I can be socially clueless and awkward and an emotional flake, so I like to date guys with the supposedly ‘feminine’ traits of being socially skilled, empathetic, and understanding.


Why I Don’t Use eHarmony

August 11, 2008

A couple of years ago, I tried out several dating web sites, including Match.com, eHarmony, and GreenSingles.  I used eHarmony for two, maybe three months.  At first, I was totally impressed by the accuracy of their personality profile.  It did a nice job of describing me and ‘summing me up.’

Then, I waited for them to match me up with someone.  I waited.  And waited.  And finally, they match me up with ‘Tony,’ who lives 200 miles away.  After graduating from ‘guided communication’ we finally talked on the phone.  Tony, according to his personality profile, was a subdued and quiet man.  Tony, on the phone, was quite a talker.  He talked…and talked…and talked.  We had nothing in common.  He lived 200 miles away.  I had no interest in ever talking to him again.  His personality profile was not accurate.  Apparently, he imagined himself to be a different person than he was.

Verdict: My actual self was compatible with his ideal self.

The last straw came soon after.  After some time passed, they matched me up with another person.  These matches are few and far between…apparently it takes time to come up with such high quality personality-based matches.  Did I mention eHarmony is kind of expensive?

Anyway, I’m reading through the profile of my long-awaited second match.  He seems fine until I get to the part where he lists his hobbies.  One of his hobbies is hunting.  Did I mention I am a vegetarian?  And that I love animals?  I was so offended…eHarmony matched me up with someone who enjoys killing animals for fun.  I wrote to their customer service department, but never received an adequate response.  I cancelled my membership.

Verdict: eHarmony is for carnivores.


Majestic Flower vs. Oxygen Deprived Weed

August 11, 2008

In my last post, I meant to write about how ‘Hugo‘ sent me a second email, but I got distracted when I found another blog talking about the same guy and his attempts at flattery.

Apparently, Hugo has his account set up so that if you click on his profile, he is notified of who has looked at his profile.  I had only looked out of a perverse sense of curiosity.  A day or two later, he sent this follow-up email:

“Good morning, I hope your day will be as beautiful as you are. I see that you viewed at my profile. Believe me, I am not a fictitious man. I am an expressive man, and I am as real as the day is long. I am really college educated, I really have a great career, I am really 6 foot 3 inches tall, I am really single, and I am really patiently waiting to hear from you to call me. If you do, I assure you, you will have no regrets. I totally understand that most men don’t express themselves as vividly as I do, but every man has a gift.

P.S. I hope to hear from you soon.”

Creepy!  I didn’t realize people could tell when you looked at their profile.  I suspect it’s one of those “extra” features of Match.com…that facilitates stalking behavior!  Apparently, you can sign up to get notified the moment someone reads an email you sent to them.  That seems neurotic to me.