I’m Definitely Going to Hell

Normally, I just grab photos off the internet.  Not that it’s much more legal than what I am doing here.  This is Grant.  He’s the one who wanted the “full body pic” (here are the two posts I’ve written about him and his request before now).  His early request for a full body picture set off a red flag.  I tried to be open-minded, though.  I hate to write someone off for one thing they do or say.

Since the last time he emailed me on Saturday, I replied that I was going to be working over the weekend, although I had talked about bringing my son to the place where he works (which I have brilliantly obscured using GIMP).  I know I’m talented.  Please don’t try this at home.

Now that Cremello Quarter Pony has decided to emerge from her dating sabbatical, it occurred to me that I should actually check my email, seeing as how I haven’t looked at three sites worth of email in several days.  My psyche needed a rest from the slimy underbelly of the “free” online dating world.  I logged in to plentyoffish.com to check my email and Grant IMs me.  I’ve already weaned myself off IM since Cremello Quarter Pony threatened an intervention, but I responded since I already know him.

I declined the two other requests (hello, I log in for 3 minutes to check my email and I have random people trying to IM me who have never bothered to email me).  Ick.

He asks what happened.  I told him I worked all weekend.  Then he asks me when I’m sending a full body pic.  He said something about me being “gorgeous.”  I guess he was assuming I haven’t shared it because I lack self-confidence…and he was assuring me that he already thinks I’m gorgeous so that I will be “brave” enough to send him a pic?  Hello, dude, that is soooo not the issue.  The first time my best friend in college saw me in a bathing suit, she was surprised to find I “look like Cindy Crawford.”  Granted I’ve had a kid since then and have gained 25 pounds, but I still have a great body.

On behalf of all of the women out there who have different body types, I refuse to “benefit” from the fact that my body resembles a constructed “ideal” of what a woman is “supposed to” look like.  As I told my friend who nicknamed me Cindy (and who had self-image issues with her own body) years later, being “hot” does NOT improve your quality of life, at least not when it comes to men.  My own “slammin” body has yet to “attract” a guy worth his weight in horse manure.

I entertained the conversation for a minute.  I told him I have my digital camera with me, but that the memory card is full (which is true).  I told him I would take a picture and email it from my gmail account (a dummy account he already has sent email to).  I also told him that the “price” of the photo would be that I would assume he’s a jerk.

And then he asks me something like how am I going to send it?  I responded by saying something like:

If you aren’t going to bother reading what I just wrote, I am not going to send you a picture (I had just said I would email it!)

Every time I log in this site to check my email, I get IMs and emails from  creeps. 

One of the last emails I got included a picture of a naked man with a bag over his head.  I’m getting fed up.

I waited a couple of minutes and he didn’t respond to any of the 3 separate IMs.  I closed out the window.  He could have sent me an email to clarify the situation (if I was misunderstanding his jerk factor), but he didn’t.  What a shame.  His loss.

PS You need a full body pic?  Really?  And this is YOUR full body pic…and the only pic you’ve given me?  In addition to your leather jacket, you are probably wearing long johns and a uniform.  Let me guess.  If I take a similar picture of myself wearing several layers of clothing and sitting on a horse (or my German Shepherd) you will be disappointed?

5 Responses to I’m Definitely Going to Hell

  1. attainingme says:

    I love this post. Too funny. I was contemplating online dating and was going to ask you and Cremello what site should I lose my virginity to . . but this post makes me think its a time-consuming endeavor and one that while it has its laughs, also may be a bigger headache.

    What do you think?

  2. It just struck me that this guy is kinda like Dave in that he is NOT LISTENING TO YOU.

    I vote we add that to your list.

    145.) Find a guy that actually LISTENS to me when I talk/write.

    If I had a veto stamp I would stamp it all over the picture… ok, except for the horse because it doesn’t get to chose what jerk happens to ride it.

    AttainingMe –

    The beauty of the free sites is that they are free. You can try them and if they don’t work out, it only cost you your time. I have tried Match.com several times (what is it like $35 per month there?) and never got one date from it, that is a poor return on my investment.

    No matter what happens at these free sites you get to blog about them, and that makes it fun no matter what!

  3. Cindy Thomas says:

    Hello AttainingMe! I would definitely do some research. I’m currently using plentyoffish.com, okcupid.com, and matchdoctor.com. I have the exact same profile and picture posted on each of them. I’ve heard at least one person talk about being UNABLE to DELETE their accounts. If this is true, it is really disturbing. I would never choose to create a profile I did not have the freedom to delete whenever I feel like it.

    Match.com, I now realize, is much better. I never realized I was paying NOT to be harrassed by people with screen names like f^ck$ex. I did the $35 one month gig and got a few dates out of it. It’s cheaper per month if you pay UP FRONT for multiple months. The longer you sign on for, the cheaper it is per month. I just don’t know if I can stomach paying more than $100 up front. But, I might…

    I agree with Cremello (can we call you that?!!) that it provides a certain amount of “entertainment value” for blogging, but there is a psychic cost involved. And I do have to say there MIGHT be a few decent guys on the sites. It’s just a matter of how many sickos and perferts you are willing to wade through to find someone worth having a cup of coffee with.

    Cremello, I’m adding the listening part to my list: Fully functioning ears and eyeballs a PLUS! Your testosterone levels must be low enough to allow your ears and eyes to function properly MOST of the time!

  4. Cremello as a nickname is good. 😉

  5. Elle says:

    You totally crack me up. I think it’s freakin hysterical that you posted his lame as “full body” pic.

    I also love that while you know you have a great body, you refuse to let it be the reason for some guy to respond. I am overweight and I try really hard to not let it be MY issue. I realize that guys need to find you sexy because of who you are, not soley because of how you look. I’ve always thought, god if I was just thin, I’d get hit on way more often. I never stopped to realize the other side of the coin. You have more weeding out to do with these slugs. And I seriously hate gardening.

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