Relationship Non-Negotiables

A couple of weeks ago, I created a list of things I will not tolerate in relationships:

  • physical abuse
  • verbal abuse
  • alcohol addiction
  • drug addiction
  • sex addiction (it’s not as fun as it sounds)
  • dishonesty
  • duplicity (this is kind of like dishonesty, but more specifically about people’s words not aligning with their actions/behavior)

I had three quarters of a page dedicated to things I did and didn’t like about Dave…and less than half of the remaining space was taken up by the non-negotiables (above). 

It was striking to see this short list on paper. 

It became apparent to me that my basic expectations are set too low.  That’s why I wrote about my son’s father; I wanted to provide some back-story to explain where I’m coming from.  Since his father, my longest-term relationship was with a sociopath (of course, I didn’t realize that until after the fact).  What can I say?  I have really bad taste in men? 

Yes, I have bad taste in men…and I think it also goes back to the Theory of Mind thing.  I get stuck in empathizing mode.  I am fascinated by other people’s points of view.  This can be a valuable skill at times, but in relationships it can lead to trouble.  I become so engrossed in learning about the other person, I lose track of my own perspective.

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6 Responses to Relationship Non-Negotiables

  1. You need to write a list of what your perfect guy would look like. This list is set too low (like you already said), why don’t we add “Not serial killer” to it.

    😉 😉

  2. wonferdul says:

    I get stuck in empathizing mode too. I lose track of what I want and need because I’m too busy being compassionate and trying to figure out what the other person wants and needs so he can be happy. That’s not exactly 50/50 🙂 You should add that you want someone who is willing to give and take along with you. I think I’ll add that to my list 🙂

  3. Cindy Thomas says:

    Thanks CremelloQuarterPony, that made me chuckle.

    I hereby add to my list:

    no serial killers
    has committed no murders…unless it was for a really compelling reason
    has not been incarcerated…for any felonies…in the last 5 years (preferably 10)

    Okay, Wonferdul, I will add that to my list…willing to give and take.

    I’ll work on updating my list.

  4. Cindy and Wonferdul,

    I can relate to giving and giving and giving of yourself until you feel empty inside. (My Pagan-ish friends would call this “giving away all your energy”)

    We have all spoken aloud that this is an issue for us, now the challenge is to figure out HOW to not do it in the future!

  5. Cindy Thomas says:

    I’ve heard that the first step to solving a problem is identifying (or admitting) it. The HOW part is what gets me…that is what drives me to blog…I really want to figure out the HOW part!

  6. Trial and error? 😉

    Maybe after you finish the “Cindy’s perfect guy” list we need to make lists of ways in which we are going to put ourselves first more often.

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